A letter to a rapist- serious trigger warning.
by Ms Dentata
Today two really upsetting things happened.
Firstly, I got an appointment for my 3 hour ACC psychological assessment. This is mostly scary because so much rides on it, but also because it’s another step in me admitting I need a fair bit of psychological help getting over the sexual abuse I’ve been through.
Secondly, I accompanied a friend of mine to a specialist’s appointment. I’ll remind you why it was upsetting, because your memories of the weekend you raped me appear to be vague. The day after you’d raped me, and after that confrontation with the Neo-Nazis, you took a very tearful and shaky me to the hospital. Because I’d told you I wasn’t on the pill, and because you’d neglected to wear a condom.
The hardest part about the memories there is recalling just how scared and alone and broken I felt. Even when I couldn’t name what had happened to me as rape until months after, because hell how was virginal me supposed to know that you covering my mouth when I tried to ask you to stop was an act of rape? Even when I had no way of naming or discussing the violation I’d experienced, I was still sobbing and scared and alone. The thing that really fucked me up about this was how we stood in the middle of Wellington Hospital, neither of us knowing where to find emergency contraception, and you hugged me. You actually put your arms around me and tried to comfort me. And I felt grateful at the time, I thought it was NICE of you to be LOOKING AFTER ME.
I was so confused about what had happened. I was unable to identify your actions as the violation they truly were, I was dazed and shaken and clueless. And the nurses at the after hours clinic didn’t pick up that I’d been raped, even when they lectured me about contraception and I said I’d had no chance to stop you. Nobody around us tried to ask me if I was okay, despite your dangerous and sleazy reputation. Nobody except you even gave me a hug all fucking weekend. It makes me really fucking angry.
I just wish you would get out of my head.